I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
🤣🤣💀
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try