4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
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HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.