We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
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A classic example of a cat being a cat.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
bout dat hot dog summer
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa