Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Sticker placement is key.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.