SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.