oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
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professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Wait a second…
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.