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me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.