Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Put a ring on it
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.