In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here