HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
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Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.