If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.