My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Sharon I have some bad news
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Air pods looking like an angry frog
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.