My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
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Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Actually cracking up @ this
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Phones down.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.