Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
the last thing a carrot sees
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp