Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us