[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
stand with me against insufficient seating
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Blew my mind.