🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.