it must be school picture day
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“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
This is a whole mood;
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Trying
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
beware of dog