Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I can also cook 😂
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.