Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
You Might Also Like
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.