me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
You Might Also Like
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.