“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
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Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.