Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
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How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
This is my pinned tweet
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.