Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”