Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
moms in horror movies
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.