[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior