Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
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As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”