My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
12. I think about this all the damn time
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.