3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
You Might Also Like
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”