I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Coffee for people with no kids
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat