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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
That earthquake could have been an email.