My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
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Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Miscakes
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it