Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
What
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!