Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
White Castle for the Win
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet