The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
You Might Also Like
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.