Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.