after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
You Might Also Like
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
BRO LMFAO
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Good morning!
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.