Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
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[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
#milo
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”