Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.