What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
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In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Wasps: bees, but not helping
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*me flirting
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*