*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
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When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.