WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone