My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂