Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
my favorite genre of twitter
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
You’ll be OK
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.