*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Succinctly put.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!