*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
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I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.