Jokes on them. I took 10.
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together