there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
barbara was highly relatable
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily