BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
(Jupiter –
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie