Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
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*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Thursday
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.